On January 28, 2018, I woke up feeling more groggy than usual. Initially, I thought it was because I slept on my left arm because it felt all tingly and heavy and so did my left leg. But it was the beginning of the week, there was no time for over thinking!
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But if I’m completely honest, I knew something was wrong.
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I went to work for few hours and I still didn’t feel quite right. I told my husband how was feeling and he told me to take my blood pressure which was really high I mean scary hi. My husband immediately took me to my doctors office which was about the close. After the nurse took my blood pressure I was told to go right to the emergency.
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After all the poking and prodding and tests and more tests, there it was….I had had a stroke!
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When it was all said and done, my left side was affected. Limited mobility in my arm and leg! I was blessed in that my speech, appearance and cognitive abilities where untouched. But things were all of a sudden very different. My family and friends where scared but faithful and so was I!
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After the initial shock passed over, something really, really unexpected begin to set in… my daughter put it best when she said..”you’re not suck any more Mommy, you get to start over!”
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You see she knew how I felt about job and how I was sacrificing my time doing, caring for and trying to change a lot of shit I had no control of!
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But just like that, everything I thought I couldn’t let go was gone!
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And there I was, unstuck….physically limited and scared AF, but UNSTUCK!
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Don’t get me wrong, do I wish I had had the courage to have made the changes I needed to make and avoided all the fear and trauma this all caused me and my family? Hell Yes!
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But no, I failed that one!
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But when I found myself able to fully embrace what had happened, there was a peace and weird since of happiness glittered amidst all the feelings of guilt, shame and self-pity.
And I was able to smile this tearful, grateful, and faithful smile!
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Now maybe you can say it was just my way of rationalizing, making the best of a bad situation and maybe I was but what was happening and what I was feeling was real not some fake and imaginary attempt to survive the moment.
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Yes, some things are gonna suck for awhile but the good news is ….
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I’m here! I’m here!
No more going to a job I knew was not for me, so no I won’t be going back!
I no longer carry the weight and worry of things and people I can’t change….you know who you are! I love u, live your life, I’m done wanting for u what u don’t want for yourself!
My husband loves me UN. CON. DI. TION. AL. LY!
My daughter is stronger than either she or I ever imagined and she’s a pretty good cook…who knew!!??
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And most importantly, I get to choose again!
I choose to be strong and healthy!
I choose to give my time and energy to the GOD things which never feed worry, anger or a sense of less but reward me with only love and validation!
I choose to follow through on my dreams and plans
I choose to say “HELL NO!” and YES, God YES!!
I choose to be brave and honest… life is less stressful that way!
And I choose to say… Robin, I love you! I will fight and pray for you. I’m committed to what feeds your Soul and satisfies your Spirit . I am here for you girl! YOU DESERVE ALL THAT I HAVE AND I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN AGAIN!
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And I want to give you the gift of this moment minus the pain, fear and suffering. My gift to you is the courage to let go! Let go of all the unhealthy, unhappy and overwhelming shit only serving to fool you into thinking that its ok to accept less for yourself!
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I’m giving you the gift of choosing again!
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